The Daily Battle Against My Brain Ninja
My brain is a master of sabotage. An absolute sabotage ninja.
Picture it - a beautiful morning. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I’m living my dream as a voice actor! The previous day I recorded some bomb tracks, uploaded a video that got rousing compliments and attended a fun class where everyone was super supportive and helpful. A completed project got high praise and everything just seemed to click into place. I went to sleep feeling energized and excited at what the future would bring! I wake up, step out of bed, and that pesky Brain Doubt Ninja has been hiding under the bed THE WHOLE TIME! A flash of something cold and sharp, and I’m down for the count. I fall to the floor as panic sets in…
What if I’m not as good as I think I am?
What if I can’t actually do this?
What if I pour all this time and money into this ridiculous idea that I can actually make a living as a voice actor only to have to come to terms with reality a few months down the line that I was only fooling myself into believing that this utterly ludicrous dream could possibly in any way shape or form come true and in actuality I’m not good for anything more than towing the line as some office drudge?!
Why would anyone ever choose me over the hundreds of other voice actors out there?
Why would anyone ever willingly pay me the kind of money most voice actors make on a regular basis?
Why would anyone ever take a chance on me?
I’m just this middle-aged poser who is trying to pretend I’m confident and cool and talented, and in reality I have a bit of talent and a lot of delusion and I’m just fooling myself into thinking I can do this.
I’m not good enough.
I’ll never be good enough.
No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I work at it, no matter how desperately I want to make a life from voice acting, that kind of thing just doesn’t happen to me.
Let me tell you something - voice acting is a mental battle. Everyday I go to war with my brain. Some days are better than others. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world! There are people who say the most wonderful things, there are people that give me the most encouraging support, and people who lift me up with their kindness and cheerleading. And I hope each and every one of those people know what they mean to me. Without their support there’s no way I could have come this far.
And then there are the days where my brain chooses violence. Not physical violence, but all-out destructive mental warfare. The doubts. The crippling, crushing negativity that makes me want to crawl under ALL THE BLANKETS and just hide from everything. The days when I’m absolutely certain that I’m funneling my life into the abyss and deluding myself into believing the fairytales of my own creation. Yet in those moments there is that tiny glimmer of lightness that reminds me that, while “success” may be a fairytale, so is failure. It’s all the narrative we tell ourselves. Every story we concoct about the future is merely a fable. Success is never guaranteed, but neither is failure, not if you’re actively trying every day. I read somewhere that even if you are improving by 0.01% everyday, you’re still improving. That’s the message I try to hold on to on those days I get hamstringed by my Doubtful Brain Ninja.
Just keep going.
Just keep learning.
Just keep doing.
And if I’m too sad to do any really productive work, I know I can always watch episodes of Attack on Titan and be grateful that I can leave my house and not be eaten by giant humanoid monsters. So there’s that.
